Hang ‘em up already.

I’ve been watching TV for 90 minutes tonight and it’s a conservative estimate to say that a full 30 of those minutes consisted of ads for the new Batman movie. And these aren’t just your run-of-the-mill, 30 second ads, these are full blown two minute trailers. And they’re seemingly on EVERY channel. ESPN, NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, etc. Everytime I change the channel to get away from a Batman ad, the Dark Knight comes a-swoopin’ back at me on a different network.

OK Warner Brothers. We get it. The new Batman movie is coming out.

This campaign is so devious that it’s convinced other companies to advertise the movie in ads for their own products. One for the Comcast triple play (subject of future post) included a family terrorized after spending their first day in, you guessed it, Gotham. Thank goodness Gotham is a Comcast city or that poor family never would have made it.

Now WB, you can advertise this Batman movie all you want, but the bottom line is this: I’m still more excited about Madagascar 2 then I am about Batman 19. ‘Cause let’s face it, four penguins are funnier than one Robin any day.

What’s up the Coors “Code Blue” ad campaign? The whole concept is ridiculous: when the label turns blue, your beer is cold enough to drink. Or as the ad’s announcer says, “When the label turns blue, your beer is as cold as the Rockies!” I assume that means it’s cold enough to drink.

Coors does some assuming of its own… It assumes that its beer drinkers are incredibly subservient. It assumes they’re too dumb to know on their own when they should or should not drink a beer. And it assumes that we want our beer as cold as the Rockies. I don’t know how cold the Rockies are, but maybe that’s too cold.

The question, however, is “Why?” Why would I wait for a label to change color before I decide to throw back a cold one? Why wouldn’t I just pick it up and feel whether it’s cold or not? Why would I ever buy Coors in the first place?

This silly campaign shouldn’t surprise anoyne, though. After all, it comes from the same company who brought us the incorrectly spelled Artic Ice brand.

So I’m watching Larry King’s tribute to the late George Carlin and I’m thinking to myself, “Oh, he’s got Jerry Seinfeld on for the hour to talk about George Carlin. That’s nice.” Then Larry tosses to the first break and announces that Seinfeld will be leaving but Bill Maher will be joining them. “Fine,” I think. Those are a pair of great guests.

Bill Maher’s doing a fine job as Larry cuts to break two and announces that Roseanne Barr and Lewis Black will join the panel on the other side. So now we’re up to four guests. Which is about two too many.

Now Maher, Black and Barr are yapping away when Larry goes to break three. “Don’t go away. After the break Carlin’s daughter and brother will be with us to talk about the late comedian.” So, to recap, we’ve had Seinfeld, Maher, Black, Barr, Carlin’s daughter and Carlin’s brother. Surely that’s it, right? Wrong!

Back from the last break and surprise! Staring back at us is Hef, smoking jacket and all. “Hugh Hefner, how well did you know Carlin?” Really? Hefner?

How many producers does Larry have? Want to cram anybody else on the show? With this many folks, each gets about 5 minutes to speak, so none of them gets to say anything meaningful. For example, Carlin’s brother is pouring his heart saying he’ll “never forget [Carlin]. I’ll never forget him,” and Larry cuts him off: “Yeah, Roseanne what did he mean to you?” Who gives a shit? I think his brother would have a bit more insight to Carlin than would Roseanne, who admitted on the program that she’d interviewed him on her talk show in 1998 but that was about it. Anybody remember that interview? Thought so.

Gee Larry. You’ve been in the interviewing business for around 285 years. Try asking an interesting question to an interesting person.

This Monday morning I had an 8 o’clock meeting. Of course, I showed up around 8:20 and the other two people scheduled to attend the meeting, included the one who scheduled it, were a little pissed that I was 1) late and 2) didn’t apologize for it.

Listen. Anything before 9 am is early for me. So, if you schedule a meeting at 8, on a Monday morning(!), you deserve what you get. I even warned this schmuck when he scheduled it, knowing fully that I would forget about the early start time. My exact words: “Are you sure you want this to begin at 8?” So, it’s not like he didn’t have a heads up.

What’s worse, is that after this meeting finally gets under way, his first question is, “So why are we meeting?” WTF!!! You scheduled this thing, at an ungodly hour, and you don’t even know why? Hey pal, ever heard of an agenda? Asshat.

Apparently, a contract means nothing in the NFL unless it pertains to the part about guaranteed money. What’s up with all these alleged professionals holding out of mini camp and threatening to hold out of training camp if their deals aren’t restructured?

Of course this isn’t a new phenomenon. But it seems like it’s gotten worse this year. Whether it’s Chad Johnson, Plaxico Burress or the Seahawks’ Bobby Ingram, each time one of these players whines about his unbearable contract I can’t help but cringe.

In Johnson’s case, it’s not that he necessarily wants more money (though he likely wouldn’t reject it), he says he just wants to be on a winning team. So, instead of trying to make your current team better, you’d rather just jump ship, huh Chad? Way to show veteran leadership.

Johnson’s not even this year’s worst whiner. Engram is in the last year of a three year deal and now the 35-year-old receiver says he wants an extension. First of all, he can’t even abide by a three year deal? Secondly, he’s 35. Does he really expect a big payout?

I understand that players want some guaranteed money in case they get injured, but if you sign a contract, be a pro and honor it. Don’t go running to your agent and holdout while the rest of your apparent teammates have to deal with your selfishness. Makes me so mad!

So I’m watching NBC’s hit comedy show about comedy, “Last Comic Standing” and they break for one of those show-sponsored comercials, you know like the ones during “American Idol” where all the contestants are ludicrously singing whie driving around in a Ford Focus. Except this ad was for a Honda Pilot (why are they always cars?) and the gimmick was that you were invited to call in to rate a comic as he did a quick set, literally on the road.

He wasn’t that funny, but what really made me mad was the “host” of the commercial and her I’m-almost-certain fake British accent. 1) Why does the spot need a host and 2) why does she talk like a limey? It’s a Honda Pilot.

Honda’s not alone, of course. They’re merely the latest in a string of companies to impose the Queen’s English on us: Orbit Gum, the Geico Gecko, and, of course, Grey Poupon are but a few. What’s up with this? Do ads in Britain use actors with American accents to sell their products? What do they use in New Zealand? Canadian accented actors?

If I could shake my fist with a British accent I’d be doing it right now…