I like walking when I get on an escalator; you get to the end twice as fast. But we’ve all been stuck behind them, those statues who get on the escalator, with no one remotely close to being in front of them, and they just stand there. As if riding an escalator is a sight-seeing trip, akin to taking a cable car over Paris.

Well, I’ve been on a lot of escalators, and none of them has been that compelling. That’s why I like to get to the end of the ride as soon as I can. Listen people, I’ve got places to go. If you want to hang out and enjoy the view of the indoor-mall waterfall, more power to you. Just get the f*** out of my way so I can get by. Kthks?

Apparently I’ve been living under a sports rock for the last few years, because recently a spate of heretofore unwatchable sporting events has been occupying my lovely widescreen television. Usually during prime time to boot.

For example, when did women’s beach volleyball become so compelling? It’s not like there’s any suspense. We all know who’s going to win. Ditto for synchronized diving. Listen, if a couple of guys want to swim together in barely there speedos, more power to them. But I don’t need to see the subsequent shower and hot tub scenes. Another sport that shouldn’t resurface is water polo. “Marco!” “Crapo!”

None of these really is popular, of course. But that’s not what the NBC Olympic programming directors would have you believe. They’re making it seem like these recreational activities are a quarterback away from their own category on the ESPN crawl.

Now I like the competitive swimming events as much as the next guy. Michael Phelps truly is superhuman. And I’m looking forward to some of the track and field events. It’s just the rest of these intramural ennuis that I could do without. Got that Costas?

A 5.8 magnitude earthquake struck southern California yesterday, but apparently only Judge Judy and her studio audience were affected. At least that’s what the national media would have you believe. I flipped back and forth among the network morning shows today and saw the same Judge Judy video roughly 23 times.

Now I’m fairly certain people other than low-level fraud artists and occasional rent defaulters felt the quake, but I couldn’t tell from watching Matt Lauer, Robin Roberts and whoever they have on the CBS morning show. All they looped was that silly Judge Judy hysteria.

It got worse, however Not only was the video stale, the writing was too. In the span of less than three minutes, Meredeth Vieira and Matt Lauer both used the line “California is on edge this morning”. Really? The whole state is “on edge”? You asked all 50 million residents? That must have taken some time.

For full disclosure, I used to work in local television news so I can sympathize why they use phrases like that (they’re so commonplace that newsies actually believe them) and footage like the Judge Judy stuff (It’s great video! Loop it!) But I wasn’t watching local news. This crap was occurring on the networks.

And their “in-depth” coverage didn’t get any better. Especially when GMA interviewed an earthquake expert and asked her whether this was a precursor to the big one. I’m no scientist, but if real scientists could actually predict earthquakes don’t you think, Diane Sawyer, that they would have clued in the fine southern California residents to yesterday’s tremor before it happened?

Just sayin’.

It’s been nearly two years since I’ve had a truly great milkshake. In fact, it’s been exactly 681 days. That’s the day Starbucks killed the Fabulous Coffee Screamer shake.

In September 2006, the java giant announced it had bought all 15 local Coffee People locations in my hometown. Coffee People had been churning out great joe and magnificent milkshakes for more than 20 years. But when the Coffee People parent company, Diedrich Coffee Inc. agreed to the Starbucks buyout, not only did they effectively close a local institution, they brought the Screamer shake to a screeching halt.

It’s hard to explain what made this shake so good. It consisted of real vanilla ice cream, real coffee, and little chunks of chocolate. All of this was blended together to create a little piece of liquid heaven. Now I was never quite sure why it was called the Coffee Screamer shake, but I had my suspicions. And so did my bowels. But that was a small price to pay for such frozen fabulousness.

Since the demise of Coffee People, others have tried to fill the coffee milkshake void, but to no avail. The closest imitator is Burgerville’s mocha shake. Unfortunately, it delivers all of the bloating but none of the benefits of the Screamer.

Now that summer is in full swing, I find myself craving the original king of shakes more than ever. Luckiy, I hear the original Coffee People owners have opened a new shop in another part of town, which I’m determined to visit soon. My intestines may not thank me, but my taste buds surely will.

Note to all other drivers waiting at red lights: When I have the green light but I don’t cross the intersection because there are too many other cars in front of me, that’s not a free pass for you to make a right turn into my lane and cut in front of me. I’m not going because if I did, I would lock the block. Just because you don’t care about locking the block, doesn’t mean you should compound your jackass-iness by cutting in front of me.

That’s not cool.

I’m driving home tonight listening to the truly terrible new sports radio station that’s been on the air for a couple of months. The hosts are comprised of a newspaper columnist who has neither a voice nor a face for radio (the face is worse), and a guy who was canned from the other sports radio outfit in town.

Their topics typically range from the mundane (”If you were the Blazers GM, who would you draft?”) to the inane (”Why we’re glad we don’t work at that ‘other station’ anymore”).

But tonight’s topic veered into the insulting: “Who is American enough to sing the national anthem before the baseball all-star game?” This became the topic after they realized that Sheryl Crow was to perform it. One of the hosts called her the most un-American person out there; the other host asked if she were worse than even the Dixie Chicks.

Their point was that anyone who speaks critically of the president apparently is not American enough to sing the national anthem. Then they opened it up for calls. They asked their audience to phone in and give their opinion on who’s got enough American cred to sing the anthem.

First caller: I think the Dixie Chicks would do a great job. Just because they speak their minds doesn’t mean they’re un-American.

Audience: 1, Dumbass Hosts: 0

Caller Two: I wouldn’t call them un-American. They have a right to say whatever they want about the president.

Audience: 2, Dumbass Hosts: 0

At this point, the hosts began to backpedal. “I’m not saying they’re un-American. But they’re unpatriotic to say stuff like that. Especially in a time of war, you can’t be saying stuff against the president and then go sing the national anthem before the all-star game.” Nice distinction.

Caller Three: As a veteran, I think it’s our duty to stand up and speak out when we think our government is doing something to hurt our nation. It’s unpatriotic not to.

You get the idea. The audience was having none of the hosts’ bullshit. Apart from being stunned at how fundamentlly near-sighted the jocks’ argument was, I was even more confused as to what their point was. They claimed that the fans would find unacceptable anyone who was critical of the president or his policies, singing the anthem; since this game is played on a national stage, Major League Baseball had to appeal to the majority of fans. But the latest polls show a 69% disapproval rating for Bush. So it seems that picking a singer who’s critical of him would be the perfect choice. For the record, the hosts thought Hank Williams Jr would be a great choice.

I really need to start listening to a different radio station.

The family decided to load up at Costco this afternoon, so we piled into the fam-mobile and ventured out. The trip was going well until we hit the Costco parking lot, where we encountered “confused, angry woman”.

I was trying to go straight at an intersection of the lot because a spot was coming open. She, oblivious, was meandering parallel to me, on the other side of the intersection, so I started to go. At that moment, she decided to cross the street in front of me. Suddenly she noticed the large 7-passenger SUV bearing down on her and swerved back toward her side of the road. That’s when she raised her arms in exasperation and said, “Well, you didn’t have your blinker on…”

Did I mention I was going straight?