I park in a parking garage every work day. And at least three mornings out of five I get stuck behind “Slow Parking Garage Driver Guy”.

First, let me explain how my garage is structured. After you swipe your card and the electronic arm lifts, you drive up a ramp to the first floor. At the top of the ramp, you are permitted to go only one way, right. This process is repeated for every floor of the garage. Essentially you keep driving in circles as you ascend until you find a spot.

To Slow Driver Guy, this simple process is acted out in an agonizingly turtle-like fashion. Even though you can only take a right at the top of every level, Slow Driver Guy makes a full stop at the top of each ramp, tries to turn left, then realizes his error and turns right, ascending to the next level at a speed relatively equal to that of a blind snail. This is repeated until Slow Driver Guy eventually finds a spot on floor 9 or so, or roughly 15 minutes after both you and he entered the garage.

God forbid you’re late for work, because Slow Driver Guy will guarantee that you don’t make that 8 AM meeting. Plus, Slow Driver Guy is inevitably Self Righteous Guy, because if you dare tail him during your epic journey to find a parking place, he goes even slower on purpose, then flashes you an evil glare when he finally discovers a spot and you roar past him out of frustration.

So, Slow Driver Guy, do us all a favor and pull into the Handicapped slot on level 2. We won’t tell on you, really!

Just when it looked like the McCain/Palin campaign couldn’t get any more divisive after the “palling around with terrorists” and “I love speaking in pro-American parts of the country” statements, they’ve managed to outdo themselves.

In a recent episode of MSNBC’s Hardball, Minnesota GOP congresswoman and McCain surrogate Michele Bachmann conjured up memories of Joe McCarthy when she first accused Barack Obama of being anti-American, then said there were others in Congress that were just as anti-American, and THEN, stopped just short of calling for a witchhunt to root out those un-American legislators:

“What I would say is that the news media should do a penetrating expose and take a look. I wish they would. I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out if they are pro-America or anti-America,” she said.

So, how does one determine whether one is pro-American or anti-American? Is there a test? Is it determined by the car we drive, or the books we read, or the food we eat? How about last name? Nelson? Yup that sounds American enough. Obama? That sounds a bit suspicious. Come to think of it, Bachmann sounds a little foreign too. Care to show me your papers Congresswoman?

The bottom line is that McCain and Palin have again and again campaigned not on a Country First platform, but on an Us against Them message. They don’t care about this country. They care about the parts of the country who aren’t smart enough to see through them and their hollow rhetoric. We’ve had eight years of that bullshit. We don’t need four more.

But the latest remarks by Michele Bachmann are simply obscene. Has she not read any history? Jesus, the McCarthy era wasn’t that long ago. She doesn’t need to read the WHOLE history book, just the part about the 1950’s when McCarthy thought he was above the law. Hint to Bachmann: skip to the section on the Army-McCarthy hearings to see how it ends, and you many want to change your tone. Because just about the most anti-American action any citizen can take is to call for an unsubstantiated probe into finding out who’s anti-American.

I’d ask you, Michele Bachmann, if you had any decency, but it’s apparent you do not (and you probably wouldn’t get the reference anyway).

I have a message for my city: no more cutesy abbreviations for all of the new neighborhoods popping up around town.

Listen, this isn’t New York. They can give their city’s cool, hip areas nicknames like SoHo and TriBeCa, because, well, they’re cool and hip. But I don’t live in NYC. I live quite far from it, actually.

My city has been undergoing a construction boom in the last few years and now the people who live in these new downtown enclaves think it’s the bees knees to give their locales clever names. For example, visiting friends who live north of Lovejoy? Welcome to NoLo! Buying a condo on the south waterfront? SoWa’s your home now! Heading out to eat in North Portland? See you in NoPo!

As Barack Obama would say, “Enough!” I’m not just against these silly names because they’re annoying, but they imply a hipness factor that simply doesn’t exist. It’s fine for SoHo, because there actually is cool stuff south of Houston. Works for TriBeCa because the triangle below Canal street really does have interesting things to offer. But let me tell you, the south waterfront here is little more than half empty highrises, and North Portland has been “up and coming” for ten years.

So, please Portland, no more neighborhood nicknames. At least until SoWa is no longer “So Wha?”

It’s well-known by now that Sarah Palin loves to go moose hunting. But she looked more like a deer in headlights throughout much of her interview with ABC’s Charlie Gibson tonight. Her most notable stumble came when Gibson asked whether she agreed with the Bush Doctrine. After a pause and a blank stare (those headlights are bright) and some shifting in her chair, Palin fired back, “In what respect, Charlie?”

Gibson considered for a second about defining the Doctrine, but instead asked, “Well, what do you interpret it to be?” (Essentially, the Bush Doctrine says the United States has the right to preemptively strike another nation if the U.S. believes that nation is going to attack us.) Here’s Palin’s answer to Gibson’s question:

“I believe that what President Bush has attempted to do is rid this world of Islamic extremism, terrorists who are hell-bent in destroying our nation. There have been blunders along the way, though. There have been mistakes made, and with new leadership, and that’s the beauty of American elections, of course, and democracy, is with new leadership comes opportunity to do things better.”

No mention of preemptive strikes in there. So, Gibson followed up. First by defining the Bush Doctrine, then by asking her again whether she agreed with it. Her reply:

“Charlie, if there is enough intelligent and legitimate evidence that tells us that a strike is imminent against American people, we have every right to defend our country.”

Gibson moved on with more foreign policy questions, specifically why being the Governor of Alaska makes her an expert on Russia.

Palin: We have to keep our eyes on Russia. Under the leadership there.

Gibson: What insight into Russian actions does the proximity of the state give you?

Palin: They’re our next door neighbors. And you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska.

Well, maybe I’ve been too quick to judge Mrs. Palin. I didn’t know you could actually see Russia from land in Alaska. I can see my neighbor’s house from land in my living room, but I can’t even claim to be an expert on what groceries they buy. However, that wasn’t even Palin silliest argument of the interview. That came when Gibson pressed her on whether she had the necessary experience to be VP.

Gibson: Have you ever met a foreign head of state?

Palin: I have not, and I think if you go back in history and if you ask that question of many vice presidents, they may have the same answer that I just gave you. But Charlie again, we gotta remember what the desire is in this nation at this time. It is for no more politics as usual and somebody’s big, fat resume maybe, that shows decades and decades in that Washngton establishment, where, yeah, they’ve had that opportunity to meet heads of state.

So, essentially her argument is, less (or no) experience is actually a virtue. “Hey, who needs all that experience meeting foreign leaders and traveling to other countries? I went to five colleges in six years, after all! Don’t you realize how many history classes I must have taken?” Not to mention her derisive comments about politicians was a direct swipe at her running mate. Following her logic, the voters don’t want someone exactly like John McCain.

Also, did you happen to catch her little slip there about asking other vice presidents? Kick back there Sarah. You’re not the VP yet.

Having worked in television news for several years in a past life, it makes me (so) mad when I hear television news personalities use subjective terms to describe various people, situations, events, etc. Since we’re in the heat of a presidential election, this phenomenon is now being applied most to those running for president (and vice president).

For example, today Joe Biden criticized Sarah Palin for her stand against stem cell research, implying that such research could help cure diseases like Down syndrome, which Palin’s youngest child has been diagnosed with.

Larry King, on his show (entitled “Palin: Fact vs. Fiction) tossed to break saying, “Joe Biden makes some controversial comments about Sarah Palin.” They’re only controversial because Larry says they’re controversial. To most reasonable observers, Biden’s comments would simply be factual. Way to separate fact from fiction Larry.

Similarly, Barack Obama called out Palin and McCain for their specious claims about the Bridge to Nowhere, and Anderson Cooper teases his show by saying, “Did Obama go too far?” Most reasonable people probably wouldn’t have thought so, but thanks anyway Coop.

My advice to the media: when there are facts to support one side or the other (like there’s video of Palin saying she supports the Bridge before she came out against it), flip those attention grabbing teases around. Instead of saying, “Did Obama got too far” say something like, “Did Obama go far enough? We’ll show you Palin in her own words and you decide?”

It’s time the media stop trying to make up our minds and let us decide for ourselves.

It seems like the McCain campaign can dish it out, but they can’t take it. A few months after a senior McCain adviser referred to America as a “nation of whiners,” McCain and his staffers have become a campaign of whiners.

They’re a bit ruffled over all of the questions surrounding VP pick Sarah Palin. Or they’re upset that people are asking questions. It’s hard to tell. At any rate, they’re whining that the media is being unfair to Palin and too hard on her.

Now listen, just because the GOP has claimed the mantle as the Family Values party and even ridiculously attacked fictional TV character Murphy Brown several years ago for having a fictional baby out of wedlock, that doesn’t give the media the right to ask whether that conflicts with the real life fact that Palin’s 17-year-old daughter is a few months away from giving birth to a real life baby out of wedlock. What is the media thinking?

Just because Palin is embroiled in a scandal where she’s being investigated for improperly trying to get an Alaska state trooper fired, her former brother-in-law who happened to be involved in a custody battle with her younger sister at the time, doesn’t mean the media should be poking their noses where they don’t belong. Come on media!

Just because some audio of a radio interview has surfaced during which Palin is heard laughing and giggling along with the host, while that host calls one of her political rivals a cancer and a bitch (by the way, the rival is a cancer survivor), doesn’t give the media a free pass to ask questions about not only her judgment, but the judgment of McCain for picking her. Darn media. Have you no sense of decency?

There’s more about Palin being unearthed almost hourly, including a video of her speaking at her church in Alaska saying the troops in Iraq are on a mission from God (sounds like what we hear from the terrorists) and that her fellow church goers need to pray to God to deliver a new pipeline to Alaska. That’s right; a pipeline.

Despite all of this, GOP hacks continue to play the same stale cards: the media’s being unfair, Palin’s critics are elitist, she has more experience because she’s led the Alaska National Guard (not even kidding about that one. GOP flacks are actually touting this), etc.

Well, I’m betting it won’t work this time. There are only so many media outlets McCain can alienate before no one covers his campaign at all, seriously anyway. I’m actually betting the McCain camp sends Palin packing before week’s end, while they still have at least Fox News on their side.

UPDATE: So they haven’t sent her packing, and as far as I can tell, that’s solely because she’s being used as a pawn to energize the evangelical base who otherwise would have stayed home on election day. Since she’s still in the race, how’s about she start answering some media questions, rather than just playing the media victim. Specifically:

Do you think the media has been unfair to you? Why?

Tell me about you and your husband’s involvement with the Alaskan Independence Party?

You said you were pleased with your daughter’s choice to keep her child. Given the fact that you oppose abortion in all cases, under your administration, women in a similar situation wouldn’t have that choice. How do you reconcile that?

What was your involvement in the attempt to fire Trooper Mike Wooten?

How would you describe your foreign policy expertise?

Perhaps the most memorable moment from Barack Obama’s acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention was when he exclaimed “Enough!” He was referring to the past eight years of GOP corruption and mismanagement, but another recent phenomenon is nearly as serious, and warrants just as stern a rebuke: men wearing plaid shorts.

It’s uncertain who first thought it would be a good idea to suggest that men wear plaid shorts, though I blame J. Crew. I’m absolutely certain however, that this is the worst fashion faux pas since the rolled up blazer sleeve. I’m looking at you, Don Johnson.

So, can we please come together as a nation and call a halt to this gross crime against crime against fashion? Because if we don’t stop it now, there’s no telling how bad it could get.